¿Cómo se dice "twat swat"?

Okay, so here's the deal.  I love immigrants (legal and otherwise). I don't care if you spent years dedicated to the paperwork and interviews to gain your status or if you rode here in the trunk of a Subaru. I don't care if your parents were illegal but you were born here.  I don't care if you gave birth while running across the border and dropped one twin in Mexico and one in Texas and they both wave the American flag, congratulations and bienvenida.  Here is the only thing that I do care about, if you live in America please speak just enough English so that when I tell you to "Go fuck yourself" it'll really hit home.  It pains me to spend time out of my day telling you what a jackhole you're being only for you to smile at me and murmur some variation of "No English."  
If you ask me, there should a one page Citizenship test with only three simple questions. 
#1. Please translate "Go fuck yourself" (native slang is permissible).
#2. A picture of the middle finger extended. Beneath it put a smiley face and a frowny face. Please circle the corresponding emotion.
3. If someone threatens to punch you in the vagina, would you say you're being a good citizen or total fuckwit?  (You can write on the back of this page).
You're welcome, America.